Hi! Urs here. So, no shit, there I was, sitting in a campsite that felt familiar… But I couldn’t quite place it. Lot had happened. Tobias got taken. I rode a bear into battle. Died. Came back. Props Aengus.
Side note. I want to recap what I have learned thus far:
1.) Not all Humans are Humans. There are also Genesse. And Dworfs. Vara (I still think she is Human, just saying.)
C.) Violence doesn’t solve everything. Like, 1 time out of 10 (just learned that number, very excited about that) words, or not doing something is better. Obviously, violence is still very important.
7.) Just because someone says they aren’t lying doesn’t mean they aren’t lying. Also, just because someone says they are telling the truth, doesn’t mean they are telling the truth. This is happening a lot it seems these days.
Urs.) Counting is hard.
As I was speaking about:
Came back to life. Killed weird tentacle monster. Got Tobias back. Found a new hammer. It was gold. It told me we were going to be friends. It taught me that gold is better than anything. Including my old hammer. Fuck that piece of shit. Everybody was obsessed with taking it with us. I quickly sorted that out. Then a bunch of blue lizards showed up. Time to leave.
Alright, we are caught up. Now. We didn’t know where to go. I pointed a direction, I believe it was Weast. Could’ve been Sorth. Hard to tell around here. Bob the dog pointed another direction. I tried to climb a tree. Didn’t work so well with one hand. Vara tried to climb a tree. Didn’t do so well. So much worse than me, that is for sure. Desmond turned into a squirrel and climbed up. When he came back he seemed really excited and said there was water nearby. I have had good times in water.
That’s when we noticed that there were “Elfs” around us like the ones we had seen before. Vara went and talked to one. I didn’t hear any of that, but I assume it was all great things about the team. Me, Aengus, and Desmond discussed numbers. Desmond cast a spell that made it easier for me to count. I got to 10 (I had said this before, but this kind of thing bears *insert awkward wink denoting the pun that Urs didn’t know he made, but there was something in his eye* repeating.) I then found out that with my new friend Lickzar I could count to numbers never before dreamt of. A whole new world had been opened to me. Vara came back and said the pool could be good for Aengus, and I had already pointed that direction earlier, so we went that way. Good move.
When we got there Desmond just kind of looked around because he is water and we were at water, so, you know, water stuff. Vara got on her knees and just kind of looked at me as I discovered what can only be described as the second biggest haul of gold ever conceived by me or someone named me. Aengus started to attempt to drown himself for some reason. Water and heavy armor and a short person do not go together. But no need to worry about that, there was 10,200 GP in this pond that needed my attention.
With each trip under the water i pulled up more and more wonderful gold that I had never before known I needed. I had ran out of numbers after the first 10 pieces, so with the help of the hammer I started to make up new ones, ones that no one had ever considered, like 113. The going was slow because I only had one available hand, but it was worth the effort. Also, Aengus and Vara talked to a frog. Aengus seemed distraught. Whatever, there was gold to be had.
As I was nearing the end of the haul, the group gathered around me, most likely there to help me empty their bags and fill them with gold. Or so I thought… No, they wanted the hammer. My friend. My precious. Lickzar told me what was up, and I stuffed as many gold pieces as I could into his slot. He took over from there and started blasting the fools with gold in the hopes that they would get a piece and be like, “Wow, this is super awesome. Urs is totally right, we should empty our bags and get all the gold. His idea of making a sled and hauling this stuff back home is probably the smartest thing I have ever heard. I am so dumb in comparison to Urs.”
Aengus disappeared, which is probably common among Dworfs given their slight stature. But his armor was still making the usual jangles, and so the hammer focused on him, hoping to coat him in a fine dust of gold. Make him a gold dust Dworf. Vara got in the middle of that in the hopes of being dusted herself. Eventually the sneaky Dworf grabbed Lickzar (without his permission may I just say) and cast a spell. Well… just about that time I realized gold is like super useless. and so I tossed Lickzar and all the gold we had into the water in the hopes that Balador would be like, “Damn Urs, you are like the best follower I have, and really a force to behold. I hope to be like you when I grow up.” To which I would say, “Ah no Balador, you are the best and most coolest God ever, I am totally going to get you like so many other followers. And they will kind of follow me, but I will send them your way.”
Anywho, it was about that time that I realized I didn’t have my hammer. Not the gold one, the other one. The big one. So we had to go back to the cave to get it.
Luckily I have the best sense of direction when it comes to going somewhere I have been and got us back before nightfall.
What happened next I am not sure if I was dreaming or if it actually happened. But, I was swimming in a pool of gold, which felt weird, but good. A stick thing attacked me with a club. I crushed it and ate it. It tasted smokey. Would eat again. This is the part that I am not clear on: I think Desmond kicked me in the face. Now, I have seen some weird shit in the last 37 days since we left home, but Desmond kicking me in the face was new. I am going to say it was a dream that woke me up from my dream, but really, I was still in a different dream. It is like a sandwich, there are layers. Anywho, I got up, crushed a flaming stick, ate another one along with some dirt. Went back to bed.
Got up, went to the cave, found like a gajillion blue lizards in there, like 7 (I know that number now) were just sitting around looking at my hammer. After a bit of tactic speaking and genius talking, they gave up and let me have my badass hammer for the stupid, albeit super cool, gold one, Lickzar, and like a lot of gold.
With the hammer, we went to this campsite, which I feel like I have seen somewhere before, and decided to rest up. Weird days dude. Weird days.
Whelp, that’s all. Arrivederci!