Once upon a time, a druid, a warlock, an archer, a monk, a boss, a samurai, and the Bard approached a mysterious island in the hopes of claiming whispered treasure stored deep within its jungles. As adventures went, theirs was certainly improving. The trees were fragrant, no zombies were in sight, and the sun was warm. The druid even let her woodland companions out to enjoy the serene island.
They were immediately snapped in two by hidden traps.
Stunned, the group froze in their tracks, wondering what other secret dangers existed in the brush. The boss was not concerned. Years of avoiding ex-girlfriends had honed his perception to danger and, slowly but surely, he guided the group through the traps and into a clearing where they were met with a crossroad. But which way to go?
The druid suggested that they hit up the grass for information. While some wondered if the druid had “hit the grass” enough already, she appeared to gain some insight from it. It seemed that the treasure in question had indeed been through here, that strange figures had also been in the area, and that MONSTROUS SNAKES WERE SNEAKING UP BEHIND THEM! All at once, giant boas descended on the group, coiling several in their grasp! These danger noodles began to squeeze the life out of the victims, but they didn’t count on the monk’s “special hiding spot”. With a jerk and a grunt, the monk produced his shortsword and cut down the first snake. Seeing they were no match for our heroes, the heckin sneks slithered off.
The battle had displaced nearby branches and suddenly the group could see the way into a nearby clearing. Here there were stacks of the treasure they were looking for! Though, some scaly fish men were currently dragging them to the edge of a nearby pool. Sensing they were reasonable people, the group stepped into the clearing and explained that this was their property and insisted they return it at once. The fish men considered this and then sent their answer in the form of a spear through the nearest shoulder. The air suddenly exploded with dozens of spears that the heroes answered with daggers and spells of their own!
But fish men would not deny them their destiny! With a strum of his mystic lute, the Bard played a melody that shattered the fish men and all who couldn’t get out of the way in time (essentially, meaning any injuries were their own fault), and in their weakened state, the fish men were quickly dispatched…
With a sigh of exhaustion, the group looked at their mountain of treasure, but how to move such a bounty? There would be little time to consider this as the monk noticed a growing ripple in the pool. Could their enemies have called for reinforcements already? Time was against them as they picked up all the treasure they could carry and ran through the jungle for the shore, the sound of footfalls from fish men, or snakes, closing quickly behind them.
As they sprinted onto the beach, their boat was already preparing for departure. With one last burst of speed, they jumped to the boat just as it began its journey back out to sea. As they began to catch their breath, they took stock at what they were able to take back with them. Alas, only three items made it back to the boat, and these were mere casks of ale. With disappointment in their hearts and fingers crossed, the group sailed back home hoping for some reward for their struggles.
“What!?”, exclaimed the gnome bartender. “You can’t possibly expect that much payment. I can give you 10% of that for the whole haul.” No matter how hard the party explained the dangers they had overcome to fetch this precious ale, no one would match their fair asking price. If they could not sell it, perhaps their only option would be to drink it! Did they not all deserve a celebration for triumphing over the evil fish men?
Taking a table at the end of the establishment, the boss uncorked the first cask and filled their mugs with the strange blue ale. With his mug raised high he toasted, “I don’t care if we’re broke, you’re all supermen to me!”
“SuperWomen!”, the samurai corrected, and in an impressive display of toughness downed her drink in one gulp. The fire in her eyes never dimmed even as her head immediately crashed into the table, unconscious.
They all stared at the suddenly sleeping halfling, mouths agape, and slowly pushed their own drinks away (and the Bard began to ready his quill). Perhaps they did have something worthwhile on their hands after all. For this was no ordinary drink…
2018-07-16